hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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