I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize