We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
