1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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