My girlfriend figured out who you are.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
