so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
