so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
