I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
