bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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