in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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