shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
