obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
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