if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
