Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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