You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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