Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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