At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
