I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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