I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
