I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
