You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
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