My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
