I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
