some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
