Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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