I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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