my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
