Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
