I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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