Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
