My liver just broke up with me...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize