Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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