Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
