i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize