I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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