i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
