I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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