Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
