I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
God, you're like boner-b-gone
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
