I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it glows. i had to have it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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