Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
