I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
