Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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