two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
