I accidentally had phone sex last night
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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