remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
