Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
