I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
