I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize