so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
