You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
