no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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