I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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