You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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