i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I lost the right to judge tonight
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
