you guys were way drunker than both of me
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
