I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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