Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
