What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
