i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
