My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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