How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
